Kid Whisperer

By: Anonymous

Kids say the darndest things.

That was a television show right?

As much as it was a hopeless ratings ploy, the show had some truth and being a father has taught me this: children will literally say the first thing that pops in to their heads, whether it is good or bad.  Gained some weight?  My son will probably tell you.  Hair getting gray?  Don’t worry, a child somewhere will make you well aware of it.   It is actually something I envy: being able to say exactly what you feel when you feel it.  The freedom that must give is unreal.  The world may be a better place if we all were this way (or, it could be much worse).

A few years ago, I started to write down different things that my son would say.  Most often, it was something nonsensical and would come out of nowhere.  Sometimes the things he said would be direct answers to questions, but most times it just seemed as if he were thinking about it long before and just decided to blurt it out. 

Over the next few paragraphs, I will go over some of the classics he has said, with what my humble interpretation of it means.

1.) “I don’t eat farts”
This, on the surface, is a pretty simple translation and a statement that I whole heartedly agree with. Basically, he is saying that farts are gross and while funny, should not be eaten and/or smelled. The irony of this statement comes in the randomness of it. When it was said, there was no fart as a precursor to this.  However, farts are the cornerstone of a 3-4 year old boy’s humor and understanding.  I would dare guess that a good 60% of what my son said at this age revolved around some form of poop, farts, or pee.

2.) “I don’t eat rocks, only crocodiles eat them”
Continuing on the theme of things you should not eat, are rocks. Some may say that my parenting level is top notch for my small child to understand the importance of not eating rocks. What an example I must be.  What I am more impressed with is how does he know what a crocodile even is? I mean, they aren’t even in the States, and he hates watching Nat Geo. Two, how does he know what their preference is fort hings they put in their mouths? My lack of knowledge on anything reptilian suggests that they eat anything, or at least that’s what the movies portray.  But, maybe he is right?

3.) “What is tilapia? I want to go there”
This one really gets me excited. It shows that my son is open to travel and ready to party. Dominican Republic? Sure! Jamaica? Pack my bags!! Tilapia? I’ll book the flights!!! He will be pretty disappointed finding out that it’s what he has to eat for dinner. 

4.) “People are dogs, dogs are people, dogs have bones”
I’m sure looking back through the pages of history, one might find that all the world’s greatest pacifists knew nothing of stereotypes or differences. They saw everyone as equals. I may be stretching here, but maybe my kid is implying that we are all the same? My only argument to that is that I’ve seen my dog lick it’s privates, and I… well, you get the idea.

5.) “Why did the chicken go to the elevator? Because he went to the stairs and they were moving.”

Hunter S. Thompson could not write a more drug induced statement.  For starters, why is a chicken in a building with an elevator?  Secondly, are the stairs moving because they are an escalator, or are they moving from some sort of LSD that the chicken has ingested. Lastly, is this a joke or a fact? Are you telling me or are you asking me? 

These are just a few of the many things I have heard over the past 5 years.  I look forward to when my daughter talks more, and I will be sure to write them down.  These serve as a good way to look back at the way things were, times I’m sure I will and have taken for granted.  Worst case scenario, maybe I can sneak one of them in to their high school senior yearbook.

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