Harry Lipps-Shitts

By: Anonymous

My name is Harry Lipps-Shitts and I’m an enterprunure.  No, I mean ontrupremor.  Oh hell, I work for my self and, yes, I’m a hyphen. That’s right mom was a Lipps and good old dad was a Shitts. Being ones own boss, I’ll try about anything to make a buck and the following tales are two of my most interesting.

One day while I was taking a brake from tending my peach’s, I noticed an ad for a salesman in the newspaper, “Be your own boss.  Make as much money as you want through your own hard work.” Hell, that was for me. The following morning, I was waiting at the store front listed in the paper.

“Hey mister, Harry Lipps-Shitts here, and I want to make lots of money, what’s the job?”

“Nice to meet you Harry.  I’m Samuel, and the deal is selling toothbrushes!” 

“What? That’s crazy how can you make money doing that.”

Samuel said, “Let me explain.  You buy this case of toothbrushes for $500.00 and you set up shop wherever and start selling. What do you think Harry?”

“Well I don’t know.  It’s lots of money but hell I’ll give it a try.”

It was later in the day and Samuel was closing when in comes Harry.  “SAMUEL, YOU SON OF A BITCH!  I want my money back!  I didn’t sell one toothbrush.  This job SUCKS!!!

Samuel replied, “Hold on now.  Did you try the bus station or airport?”  

“No, I didn’t try selling there.”

“Well,” Samuel suggested, “give one of those places a try and think about how to get people to need a toothbrush.”

Harry was short in his reply.  “Okay, but if that doesn’t work I want my money back.”  

The next morning as Samuel was unlocking his door, he looked up to see Harry running towards him. Harry practically shouted, “Samuel I want another case of toothbrushes. I sold all of my first case.”

Samuel was equally excited.  “WOW, that’s great!  How did you do it?”

“Well, I thought all night about how to get people to want a toothbrush. So, first thing this morning I set up my table at the airport with a bowl of dip and plate of chips with a sign ‘Free chips & dip.’” People would stop take a chip and get some dip.  Then they’d holler, ‘WHAT THE HELL! THIS TASTE LIKE SHIT!!’ I told them IT IS SHIT! You want to buy a toothbrush??”

Well, my peaches are ripening, and I’m going to start selling them door to door. I’m not having a lot of luck this morning as I was headed to the last house on a dead-end street. I rang the doorbell, and the door opens to reveal a beautiful woman in a sheer negligee.  “How can I help you?” she asked.   

Harry stammered, “Would you like to buy some peaches?”

“Are they round and firm like my ass?”

Harry responded, “Yeah, Yeah they’re round and firm.”

“WHAT’S that?  I hear someone coming!  Get in the house,” the lady shouted.  Once inside she whispered in Harry’s ear, “So what parts of my body do you like the best.”


“What the hell?” she snorted.

“Well, a minute ago you heard someone coming! THAT WAS ME!!”

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