By: Adam Sutton
“Arthur, the bell rang 10 minutes ago. Where have you been?” Ms. Rangels asks.
“My gym locker got stuck. Then, I had to go to the bathroom. Then, I remembered I forgot something in my class, and I went to Mr. Anderson’s class instead of yours because I messed up my schedule.”
“Arthur, it’s December. Your schedule has been the same for months,” Ms. Rangels says unimpressed by Arthur’s story.
“I really don’t care to hear your sob story any more. Sit down.”
To: 8th grade team
From: Ms. Rangels
Arthur P. has been late to my class every day for the last week. Not like a little late either. He’s late by like 10 minutes. The only consistent spot in his story is that every day he says he goes to the bathroom on his road to showing up late. Anyone else seeing this behavior?
Ms. Rangels is holding the receiver at arm’s length as Mr. Parker barks, “Why the fuck can’t my kid use the bathroom?!?! Tell me what kinda shit that is?!?! You people are terrible. My son can go to the bathroom whenever he goddamn well pleases. Do you hear me?” he pauses for a moment as if he expects a reply.
Sensing this, Ms. Rangels brings the receiver to her ear, “Ye—”
“I knew you were still there! This is garbage. He does NOT use the bathroom 10 times a day! That’s insane. You make shit up! Why would he need a bathroom buddy?!?! He doesn’t need a buddy to go pee. He’s 13 for God’s sake! You probably do this for all your students, right? Right”
“Did I ask a question? I don’t think I did. And, if I did, I sure as hell didn’t want your answer. You know what? Fuck you!” Click. The line is silent.
Ms. Rangels brings the phone to her ear to finish the conversation alone. “Mr. Parker, it has come to our attention that your son is masturbating before every period of the day. Not only is he late for every class, but we thought this might be a health concern and wanted to let you know. For the time being, if he needs to use the restroom, we are going to have an administrator escort him.” She pauses for a moment. “It’s been a pleasure speaking with you. I appreciate your support. Have a great day.”